Just Breathe.

It's been a week since Amelia was born and I'm just starting to feel like I can breathe again. I will give the update of the whole labor process later on. For now, I need to get this out.

Having a baby in the NICU sucks. I'm going to throw myself a pity party right now and tell you that when I see other people taking their babies home from here (which happens a lot, by the way, because this place is very busy), I want to punch the parents. I want someone to feel like I do when I leave here every night and Amelia is not with me.

Hollow.
Empty.
Blank.
Cold.
Angry.
Anxious.

It's getting better every day. Thursday was incredibly difficult. They told me on Wednesday that they could discharge me that afternoon if I wanted to go. In theory that sounded good, aside from the fact that I couldn't breathe and started having chest pains every time I thought about it. I literally felt like my chest was going to cave in every time I waddled away from the NICU after a feeding, and I was only going down the hall to my room.

They did discharge me on Thursday after several breakdowns over the fact that I was going to have to go home without her. Luckily my Mom was here and let me get it all out while I cried over and over again. The uncontrollable waterworks are annoying, but I know they're normal.

We left the hospital around 12:30pm and headed home. It was good to see Tonks, and she was very excited that everyone was home again (well, everyone she has met at least). We turned around and came right back to the hospital at 2pm for Amelia's feeding. We went home again afterward, and turned around and came back for her 5pm feeding. My mom cooked us dinner at home, and we came back to the hospital for her 8pm feeding. Before we left for her 5pm, I was already feeling anxious and having trouble breathing. This feeling intensified as we sat with her during her 8pm feeding. It was so hard to think about leaving her and not being there during the night when she was up. While I was still in the hospital, I was able to nap between feedings (which happen at 2, 5, 8 and 11 around the clock) and just waddle down the hall to see her whenever I wanted to. I didn't have to miss any feedings, and she didn't have to miss me. In between, I pumped (which I have to do at least 8 times per day) and napped. The schedule worked for me. Leaving her did NOT work for me. I cried pretty hard in the car that night on the way home. Tim tried to make me feel better by stopping at Culver's for ice cream, but even that didn't appeal to me. Don't worry, I managed to choke my Butterfinger Concrete Mixer down anyway.

So it's getting easier every day that she's here. I'm on a new schedule as of yesterday. I am at the hospital for her 5am, 8am, 2pm, 5pm and 8pm feedings, and I skip the other 3 to sleep. I'm still pumping 8 times a day and I can't wait for her to be stronger so she can eat more and help relieve the pressure in my boobs. Luckily the NICU nurses are amazing and I know she's getting the best care she can while she's here. As for me, I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe.

In.
Out.
In.
Out.