Birth Control

I have a great idea for a new form of birth control:

BIRTH

Before you have kids, hell, before you consider having SEX at all, you should be exposed to a certain level of... disclosure. Forget those high school lectures of the potential STDs that are out there. Make every high school kid watch a live birth (Tim says he had to do that in high school, but I don't remember it). Then let the girls go to the hospital and play "labor patient" for a few days. Once there, make sure she is thoroughly educated in the following ways:

1. Mesh Undies. Although I'm all for a little sexy in the the underoo area, these gems go a little too far, even for me. You want to keep a girl's pants on? Trade her skinny butt for a baggie (because the sexiest underwear come in sterile plastic baggies) of these. Let her feel the breeze, literally, as she sits around for a couple of days with one-size-fits-all disposable underwear. If she can get over the fact that she will be wearing these underwear instead of her own polka dot thong from Victoria's Secret before, during and after labor, let her pass to the next level. Don't forget to mention to her that at least 4 strangers per day will see her in said hot pants.

2. Mega Pads. Along with the mesh undies, provide the student with a set of mega pads. For added effect, pour capfuls of yellowish, moucousy liquid on them for her and let her sit around in bed with one of these between her legs for 24 hours a day. If anyone thought babies were cranky because they're hungry, or need to burp, they're wrong. They're cranky because diapers are uncomfortable. Adult diapers are even more uncomfortable, and that's essentially what these pads are. If all of the actual mega pads are being taken by the women who are already in labor, let the student roll up a damp hand towel and shove it inside of her mesh undies. It's about the same effect.

Assuming the poor high school girl is still considering sex (after all, the movies make it look soooo glamorous), move her on to step 3.

3. BMs. If our sex ed student thought a little cheeky exposure and mega pads were easy, this one should take the cake. Everyone knew the kid in school (or was the kid in school) who farted in class. We laughed at this kid (Eli in the 7th grade for me) and were relieved when we were able to sneak one by the class by blaming someone else. Don't deny it, you've been a crop duster and you know it. Anyway, for step three, our sex ed student needs to start talking about digestion. Have every person who comes in ask her about her bowel activity. Nurses can listen to her digestive tract as they check her vitals 2,384 times a day. New nurses who come on shift can already be aware of how many times she's pooped, but make sure they ask her about it anyway. Her family and friends who visit her can hear/see her take her stool softener so she doesn't get plugged up. This one should break even the most determined of sexual explorers. If not? It's step 4.

4. Bed Rest. Now don't get me wrong. Being in bed and having people wait on you hand and foot for a few days is kind of fun. It's nice to have time off of work or school, and our student might be grateful for a little time to relax and catch up on sleep, reading, trashy television, etc. However, after 4 days of the same beige walls with no exposure to outside light or air, even the most relaxed student will get antsy. You see, it's just not as fun to hear about all of the fun things other people are doing as it is to be participating yourself. Even work starts to sound really exciting, if only to escape the monotony of getting up, peeing, laying down, eating, laying down, laying down, laying down... I've never been more tempted to throw a temper tantrum in order to get my way. If you want to bring the torture to a new level, don't let the sex ed student bring her cell phone, and limit her TV channels to the news and telemundo.

See? Don't you think this method of birth control is going to be more effective than telling kids they might get a stinging rash? Teenagers aren't scared of stinging rashes, they have acne. They aren't scared of a few bumps on their genitals, they've got SATs and ACTs and college applications to worry about. You want to scare a teenager into not having sex, you have to go hard core. That's why, if the student makes it through step 4 and hasn't reattached her chastity belt herself, she needs to move to step 5.

5. BIRTH. Now I haven't actually done this yet, and I know we can't fake it with the high school student, but hopefully we can get her close. There's going to be someone who is red-faced and ready to pop in the hospital, because babies are being born all the time. Take the student in around a full moon and the odds increase significantly that she'll hear the primal screams of someone birthing naturally, or witness a father figure pass out from the overwhelming fear of it all. Let her hold a leg and watch the baby's head crown. Have her witness the tearing of a woman's most private areas, and remind her that when the love of her life wants her to lose it in the back of his beat up old Civic, this is what could potentially happen a few months later. She won't even need to hear about the stretch marks, leaky nipples, heart burn, nausea, gas, constipation, achy back, swollen ankles, etc. She'll be chaining that chastity belt back around her own waist and pushing her pimple-faced boyfriend away.

And if after all of this, our high school girl still wants to bump uglies with her boyfriend, then at least you can tell her SHE WAS WARNED.