Lost.

Dear Cancer,

I know I'm not the first to say this to you, and I won't be the last, but FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
I cannot adequately express how much I hate you with every fiber of my being. You are a sneaky, dirty, rotten, evil fucking thing. You don't play fair, and while I have no illusions that life is fair, I still seethe knowing that you sneak up on unsuspecting people every damn day and ruin their lives. FUCK YOU.
There's just something so frustrating about having nowhere to lay blame for a loved one's illness. I can't curse a person who committed a crime, or a company who exposed her to chemicals, or even an idiotic accident like a circus tent collapse. I only have cancer to be mad at, and that's so incredibly unsatisfying. I can't hit cancer, or kick it, or punch it in the balls like it deserves. All I can do is sit here, 1,000 miles away and cry, and scream, and lose sleep. I know this isn't helping, and it's killing me that I can't do anything that would be helpful. I can pray for guidance, but I don't want to do that. I want to kick the shit out of the very thing that will keep my daughter from knowing her Great Aunt. I want to tear it apart into shreds then put it back together so I can do it again. And again. And again.
I've never been this close to it. When my grandma had it earlier this year, she had surgery, had radiation, and said adios to it. When my other grandparents died from it I was too young to really know what was going on. When friends have had their loved ones fighting it and dying from it, I watched from an emotionally safe distance, but this is different. Even when Tim's grandma died from it I was safe emotionally. I hurt for him and his family, but I was distanced. This time, though, I'm not, and I don't know how to handle it.
All I can think to say is FUCK YOU, CANCER, and even that, I know, is useless.
I feel so defeated, and I want to fight for her. I want to do something that will help. I want to say something that will help. But there is nothing, is there?

Cancer, you may be able to take her from us, but you can't take all of the memories we have. You can't take the car ride to Tucson when she told me about WWII, or the trip to California (including the drive by a murder scene), and you can't take the books I read because of her, or the amazing, wonderful, intelligent cousin I got from her.

So FUCK YOU, CANCER. We still win.

Thankful Day 3 & 4

Sheesh, behind again... what can I say?

I am thankful today for the ability to drive to different cities in Texas to see friends!  Yesterday we visited Houston to see our friend Kimchi, who was working at the International Quilt Festival.  We hadn't seen her in over a year (she commented that the last time she saw Amelia, she was still only 4lbs).
Today we went to San Antonio to see Leigh, who was in town for work.  It's so nice to be able to spend time with friends even though we are so far away.  In a few weeks, we will see another friend who is coming to town for the Formula 1 race.

I am also thankful for my Aunt Paula, who is incredibly strong and is inspiring me in ways I can't explain.  Not only does she have a successful book blog, but she raised an incredible girl who is kicking butt at an ivy league school, and living her dreams.  Meanwhile, my Aunt is battling Lymphoma, and taking the time to research schools for Amelia to attend when she gets old enough to go!  It would be so easy to give up, burrow away in her house, and let the tough things in her life get her down, but she doesn't, and it's incredible to me.  I hope I have that much resilience in the face of pressure, and that if I ever lose my hair, I look that cute with a bald head!  :)

We're in Texas, Y'all!

So we've been in Texas for almost 5 months now, and time has flown by!  This month, we had both mine and Tim's families visit, in addition to a few friends from AZ.  It's been so fun showing people around our new city.

I've been slacking on the blogs because I've been spending all my spare time crafting.  I signed up to do a Trunk Show at the Little Gym, where Amelia takes classes.  I'm nervous about selling my wares to others, but I think it will be a fun experience regardless of the outcome.  So far, I have aprons my mom made, leftover Owie Owl ice packs from Amelia's birthday party, reusable snack bags, and a few jean purses to sell.  We'll see how it goes!

Amelia continues to grow and change.  She is walking a bit, crawling everywhere, babbling up a storm, eating us out of house and home, and cracking me up on a daily basis!

I decided I need to do my month of gratitude again, because so often I forget how incredibly blessed I am.  Forgive me if any of these are repeats from last year.  :)

Gratitude days 1 and 2:

I am so thankful for Amelia and Tim!  They are the source of most of my joy and happiness.  Amelia is sweet, smart, and inquisitive, and Tim is patient, kind, and thoughtful.  I am very blessed to have them in my life!

Back To Reality

I'm not sure I can do this. Back to work tomorrow. No more lounging around with my little girl. No more holding her whenever I want. Back to students, and grades, and coworkers, and stress.

The good news is I'm not currently crying, and I have an end in sight. May 24 can not come soon enough.

I'll miss moments like these though when I'm back at school.

Sigh.